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- Root Canal TreatmentI have mixed feelings about this item. First of all, it's not exactly a pocket knife--in fact, I had to have my trousers altered to accommodate it. Secondly, as you might expect it's quite heavy. I had it in my possession during my ill-fated attempt to re-create the Kon-Tiki expedition using a craft constructed entirely out of non-GMO tubers, when the sweet potato section of the hull failed, capsizing the boat. While I'm an excellent swimmer (see my successful backstroke crossing of the Ganges), the weight of this implement dragged me down to Davy Jone's locker. Surely I would have perished if not for being swallowed by a gigantic whale. In the belly of the beast I met an old Italian man and his strange wooden boy (I swear--if only the knife had a camera to document the encounter!) who told me the whale's name was "Monstro". I wasn't there long before it became apparent from its constant moaning that the creature was in great discomfort. Making my way up its gullet, I discovered the source of its pain: One of its incisors (or bicuspids--hell, I'm not a marine dentist!) was infected. I personally have had 5 root canal procedures (I blame poor genetics and an addiction to candy corn) so I knew what had to be done. Using the knife's chisel-point reamer and my internet acupuncture training, I deadened the tooth's nerves. Then I drilled through the enamel using the hook dis-gorger and divot repair tool. Finally, I cleaned out the infected root with the shortix laboratory key and round needle file. I filled the abscess with an amalgam of metals found in the belly (a cannon ball, a license plate, what appeared to be a lady's compact) and smoothed it with the knife's chain rivet setter. Success! In minutes the whale became animatedly pleased; so much so it began singing! During a particularly hearty aria, the three of us castaways took the opportunity to escape. Holding onto the wooden boy's long nose we floated to the surface and bobbed about. Fortunately, we were near enough to an international shipping lane that I was able to signal a passing freighter with the knife's laser pointer.
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